NEW YEAR WITH THE GIRL WITHOUT UNDERWEAR

We were in Melbourne, in Little Collins Street, at this place that sold ten dollar pizzas during lunch. I was the only one who wasn’t drinking.

“It’s my resolution for this year,” I told Jude and Sonia. “I’m not going to drink anything at all. Ever again. This year, I’m going to write a book of short stories, and I’m finally going to do everything to make sure I get published.”

“No one cares,” Jude muttered. He turned to Sonia. “If I could choose between being a woman or being dead, I’d totally choose being dead.”

Sonia put down her bottle of beer. “I hope you do get that option, because the world will be a much better place without you.”

Jude ignored her and started texting somebody. She rolled her eyes and turned to me. “How’s your life, Dean?”

“Shameful. How about yours?”

“It’s okay,” she smiled. “I’m not wearing any underwear.”

“Really?”

“Yup.” She glanced at Jude before looking back at me. “Really. Look under the table.”

I looked under the table, then looked back up. “Cool. But there are hygiene issues with that.”

She slapped my arm. “Just live in the moment. More people should be living in the moment.”

“Listen,” I said. “If I didn’t wear underwear, I’d like have skid marks all inside my jeans. You’d have them in that skirt of yours, too, and how about when you, get,” I made a hand motion around my groin area, “you know? Your skirt will be totally traumatised.”

“When did men become so charming, and so afraid?”

Jude looked up from his phone. “How do we even know you?”

Jude walked to a waiter behind the counter and paid the bill and we headed off into the city. We walked around, looking at things and looking at people and talking about it all. We found a cathedral, and inside the cathedral I stood still and watched a light passing down on the altar. We exited the cathedral, and referring to a map while Sonia took photos, we tried to visit all the places our friends told us to.

Sonia pointed at something. “That looks like a good bar.”

We walked inside and after a bit of convincing, I had a drink, but just one drink. The one drink eventually became three. I looked up and Jude and Sonia were kissing. I sat there, watching the both of them kiss each other. It looked terrible; it didn’t look like how it did in the movies at all. Jude walked off to somewhere, so I sat next to her.

“You guys didn’t look that good.”

She then moved next to me and kissed me. We kissed for about ten seconds. I then pulled away and returned to my original seat. Jude returned and kissed her again and as they did she winked at me.

“I miss the receptionist,” I told them both.

We proceeded to have dinner in this expensive Mexican place, and then walked for about half an hour or so to some bar near some water. There were more drinks. Jude walked off with a guy he recognised, so Sonia and I walked to the dance floor and she laughed as I danced terribly. We returned to the table to drink some more.

I spotted something on our table: it was a flower, probably the ugliest flower I’d seen in my life. I didn’t know why it was there, but it was there, and it was centralised in an expensive vase like it was something special.

Smiling a strange smile, Sonia yelled something to me.

“What?” I yelled back.

She yelled it again.

“What?”

She rolled her eyes and leant into my ear. “There’s something wrong with our generation.”

“No, there’s something wrong with me.”

Jude arrived and put his arm around Sonia. He eyed me and grinned and yelled something that I couldn’t hear. Sonia slapped his arm. We paid the bill and caught a cab back to the hotel. Jude stumbled into his hotel room and I dragged Sonia into mine.

“Do you have, like, porn? I need to play with myself a bit first.”

“No,” I said. “Do you have underwear?”

“No,” she smiled, putting her right hand inside my pocket.