MY OLD LOVE STORY
February 23rd 2008 19:02
I liked her a lot. I remember driving her around for the first time. It was at night, and I liked looking at her from the angle I was at: I could see the the passing streetlights sweep by her face, I could see her eyes looking at the road.
If you’re walking with a friend, and your friend asks you, Why did you two break up? You’ll have to lie a little bit. You’ll have to wax it to your liking, you’ll have to give a note form version of how it all ended. In the end, though, you wouldn’t be satisfied with your response, because no one will ever fully comprehend the story between you and your ex love, not even you and your ex love.
Something I’ve come to realise is that men are completely different from the female of the species. Their thoughts, their ideals, their needs. I know it’s stupid that I’ve just realised it now. What caused the demise of all my relationships was the lack of this realisation. We fought about all the wrong things. My lack of words were misinterpreted as anger, her lack of words were interpreted as merely lack of words. Sometimes she and I would do or say things that had certain agendas, certain messages behind them that were completely misunderstood. Because of that we fought, but I didn’t mind the fights because I thought fighting was normal. My previous relationship thrived off fighting. What I didn’t know was that the fighting hurt her. It really hurt her. In the end she called it quits. I asked if she could give me another chance, and she told me that she has not and will not change her mind. There was no residual coming back together and breaking up, there was no gradual erosion. It was a sudden halt. I remember crying in front of a tough guy friend of mine and feeling ashamed.
There is always that point after a break up where you remember the good times. I remembered a lot of good times.
Once, I found out that she would be attending the same party as I was attending. So I bought a small flower. I wrote a little short story with a little drawing. I put it in my pocket. I missed her. When I saw her again, she was beautiful, she really was. I pictured asking her to dance with me, giving her all the crap I made, sweeping her off her feet, all that sappy shit. I smiled at her and approached her. She halted and told me that I shouldn’t have come. She kept looking at me. I didn’t expect her to say that so I instantly walked away. We ignored each other for the rest of the night. I gave my story and flower to some drunken guy with a beard and a t-shirt with a clever design on it. I went home and that was it.
That was the point form, waxed on version of the end of our relationship. It could be written differently, the characters could be swapped around, dates could be added or changed, reasons could be reasoned. I think the only bit of fiction that I’ve seen/read that has captured a relationship most accurately was Romeo and Juliet – they created a love over something that promised no good future; there was so much misinterpretation and misunderstanding of each other that they both ended up killing themselves. There was no sudden miracle that brought Romeo back to life. Juliet didn’t instantly move on. They died with part of them gone, and in the end other people benefited from it.
Sometimes people assume that young kids like us don’t know what love is. Read the news. Pick a day, any day to read the news. Does anybody know what love is?
People always say that there are plenty more fish in the sea. Get the fuck over it. You’re young. There are plenty more important things happening – Obama is beating Hillary, for fucks sakes! You’ve got your novel. You’ve got the fucking world. People are replaceable. I’ve placed myself in the sea and found enough slimy fish to successfully drown myself to the point of near, absolute shame, but I still have moments where I’m sad about it, where I miss her, moments of self loathing and regret. But I guess on the plus side, I’ve got these moments where I suddenly remember these old relationships, these killed off love stories; I’ve got another entry for this blog, I’ve got more songs to relate to, I’ve got more time alone, staring at the ceiling, phone ringing, alcohol keeping me sleepy but awake.
Eleanor Rigby asks: All the lonely people – where do they all come from?
The Beatles - Eleanor Rigby
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Comment by James Rickard
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Angling Fish
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Love Speaks
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Comment by Always Eighteen
Always Eighteen
I think this season is break up season. For my guy friends, anyway. It must be the manipulative Brisbane heat. Nothing feeds art like good old human suffering.
Comment by Always Eighteen
Always Eighteen
Truth is subjective, anyway....
heh.
Comment by AboutaBoy
For two or so years, me and a girl were in that on/off situation. I loved her deeply, and so did she, apparently, even tough she didn't noticed it. In 2005, I was tired. I needed more but she wouldn't give me. I left her, depressed for a few days, and met another girl. We hang out a few days, talked, and I was really falling for her. After a month we started dating and started a relationship that lasts till today.
The first girl and I, after some time of grudge, became good friends. After a few months more, we became better friends. In that moment, less than a year after I left her, she confessed me that she had never forgotten me. It was shocking to hear, but honestly, I was expecting it. I told her that our time have passed, altough she will be always one of the most important persons in my life. Our friendship became even stronger after that, and somehow we became best friends.
Time passed. My ex-girlfriend now best friend found a boyfriend of her own, over a year ago. I'm still with the same girl which I deeply love.
All has been well until last night. Last night, my best friend former girlfriend and I were chatting in IM. She has been trough some tough times lately, I was trying to help her. I ended up talking trough the wee hours of the morning like we often do. At some point, she told me something that I was also expecting but reluctant to hear. She never forgot me. She is now breaking up with her boyfriend, and I am the cause. But that's not even the worst part.
Last night, almost three years passed since the break up, I admitted to her roughly the same thing. My words were:
"I'm sorry I never told you this before... and although I love my girlfriend, really really love her, one piece of my heart has never been hers. That piece still loves you, and is still screaming for your name. I cannot leave her, I don't have the strength or the guts, and I love her, but I cannot shut up this voice inside me. Maybe it's only that sensation of what could have been, but maybe is just that I never stopped loving you."
Now, I feel like a poor lost bastard. I feel so bad for telling her this things in my girlfriends back. But I still love my girlfriend and I don't want to lose her. On the other hand, the other girl is breaking up with her boyfriend because she cannot forget me, and needer can I. I don't know what to do. I just know that I feel like crap. And I cannot tell this to anyone else, since the both my girlfriend and my best friend is envolved. And she asked me not to tell my best male friend. So I'm trapped. I don't know what is going to happen now.
I don't even know what I want. And that is the worst part.
Comment by AboutaBoy
Cheers