THE WOLVES
August 4th 2008 00:22
Sometimes the pain is so intense all I can do is laugh at it and keep living. I can’t believe I’m writing to you again. When I drove away, I kept glancing back at my rear view mirror, hoping to see you there, waving, your favourite shirt on, a forced smile, waving.
Have you ever made a mistake? I guess that’s a stupid question. I guess it’s a question that nobody wants to hear, that nobody wants to answer. The first place I went to was ___. I liked it most when it was night time and I was alone. It was never that dark at night. I could still see the buildings ahead. I took long walks. Sometimes I’d secretly hope to get attacked - I wanted to test myself. I wanted to be someone strong. I wanted to be someone I could admire. ___ had this one building I went to when I couldn’t sleep. I piled a bunch of things on top of each other to get to its rooftop. I sat on it and stared out ahead. I’d talk about my secrets, I’d talk about mistakes, the sun would slowly rise, I’d think about you, I’d remember the colours of things, everything would go by like how things would go by in the movies.
The second place I went to was ___. There was this pretty girl in a pet store who asked me where I’d been because I looked tired. I saw a kitten near the door. I leant down next to it and watched it. It was small, its paws were so quiet when they touched things. I patted it and it stopped its movement. I felt the same as I did when I watched the sun rise from the rooftop. I didn’t buy it. I thought about the crazy people with the cats and I didn’t want to be part of it. The pretty girl asked me why I was crying and I told her that sometimes people are like that.
Sometimes I think about what you’ve done and I drive faster. I yell because that’s all I’ll let myself do. The third place I went to was here, in ___. I saw a homeless woman holding a child. She smiled at me and told me to have a good day. I walked to a video store and looked at all the DVDs. The store person asked me nothing and I liked it that way. I looked at a bunch of DVDs, some we watched back then, some we didn’t, some we often talked about. My home is nice here. It’s small, but it’s nice.
I saw an animal the other day. I didn’t know what it was. I smiled. There are so many things we hold back, things we won’t even admit to ourselves. I hate seeing people but I don’t.
I know I hurt you because I think about it all the time. It comes at me wherever I go. It comes at me when I see people, when the dark comes, when the light comes. There are times when I can’t stand and I lean against something and I’m afraid and I don’t know what to do, what to say, why I should react. I am truly sorry. I picture you, rushing, late, smiling, saying excuse me but I have to get through. I know you’re not there anymore. I know you have to move away too. The last time I saw you I wanted to run my finger along your hand, your lips, and I wanted to never forget you. You were sad and we had never slept and you wanted things to stay put and you put your hand on my hand and you had that look I’d always hoped for. But for a second, you looked disgusted. I know things end, but we keep moving on, keep looking for the animals.
Wolves (Act I & II) - Bon Iver
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